Posted by: Lea | May 28, 2008

To Divorce Or To Not Divorce

There are a few psychologists who say that unhappily married couples with children should stay together until the children are grown, for the sake of the kids. There was one which I read that not only endorses this thinking, but also promotes waiting until after the kids are graduated from college. Of course there are other psychologists who disagree with both of these thoughts. Though my own experience puts me in disagreement with their thinking, it’s one debate that does not have an answer that fits everyone. It will ultimately depend on the situation and the people involved. For myself, I grew up wishing my parents would divorce. Not everyone has the capacity to live happily with a person with whom they have feelings of disrespect, sense of betrayal or some other behavior they feel is intolerable.

Living with someone who likes to sabotage can be difficult for instance. By that I mean, no matter what goals you set or efforts you make for improving a situation, the saboteur will consciously or unconsciously do something that will prevent it from being achieved. An example of that could be that you set a goal to save money for a big purchase like a new car or whatever and the other person spends that money on a night out with friends or gambling, etc. Despite discussions and agreements made between the two parties, the saboteur will do something counter productive to the agreement or goal.

A person can inflict emotional and mental pain without being overtly abusive. Neglect, secretiveness and inattentiveness can cause as much emotional and mental pain as being verbally or emotionally abused. I don’t know of anyone who enters a relationship so they can be ignored or shut out by their partner.

Relationships and marriages are about companionship, communication, caring for each other, and sharing. Sometimes a relationship can’t survive a breakdown in one of these areas because of the negative impact it has on one of the partners. Breakdowns in communications between partners is a real killer for relationships. Also one partner’s lack of interest or cooperation when discussing what changes are needed for the sake of the relationship or their failure to follow through, in my experience, means the relationship is a lost cause,

There is not one answer to cover all situations. If you look at your situation and are realistic about whether your spouse and you will be able to work together to provide a loving environment for your children and yourselves, despite a breakdown in your marital relationship, then you might be able to avoid a divorce, if that is what both of you want.

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Responses

  1. I understand what you mean, it is a very difficult situation.I grew up wondering why my parents used us kids as reason for staying married,when it was obvious that they cannot stand each other.Yet i find it difficult to advice someone to leave his marriage even when it is certain that they can never be happy together again.

  2. tyna I agree. There are so many variables to consider. Its not easy to know how much the children are being affected unless they tell you.

  3. I think divorcing before the children are grown up and able to take care of themselves is destructive and unfair to the parent the children don’t live with. If your children don’t even have a car then how are they going to visit you? In most cases a restraining order is put against the parents during a divorce.

  4. Hi prenuptial

    I agree that in some cases, if parents feel that can they can still provide a ‘happy’ environment for their children, postponing divorce would be beneficial. Unfortunately, that isn’t always possible. An unhappy, tension filled environment is not beneficial to the children any more than it is to the parents.

    As far as restraining orders go, there has to be reasonable proof before the police will issue those. i.e. evidence of threats, abuse, etc.


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